my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
