Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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