Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
