I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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