This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
