No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
