I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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