the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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