i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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