Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so that wasnt chicken after all
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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