I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
