She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
