I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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