turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Randomize
