there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
