i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
should my penis look like a turkey
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
