There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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