**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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