he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
