Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
