when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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