Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
