While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize