This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
