that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
