Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
