i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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