It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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