Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
