I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize