Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
