I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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