obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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