True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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