broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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