god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
