Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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