Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Sext me about skeletons
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
