I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
