which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
