apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
