What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize