I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i've created a new STD.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
They are going to name an STD after you.
When are your genitals available?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
