He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
