He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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