sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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