The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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