she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
