i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
