I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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