I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize