The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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