I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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