Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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