I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
