apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
