i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
