Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
