I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
