i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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