o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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